In the movie Pulp Fiction, there’s a deleted scene where Uma Thurman’s character, Mia, meets John Travolta’s Vincent and point-blank asks him: “When in conversation, do you listen, or do you just wait to talk?”
We’re all surrounded by people who think they have something important to say but seem incapable of listening. They’ll share a thought, pausing politely to let you speak, before continuing on, heedless of whatever point you just made. Harmless in casual conversation, but crippling when the stakes are high. These people think the goal in a crucial conversation is to win the argument, that if you stack enough talking points, your highly-advanced your logic will compel the other person into submission.
Leadership is a dialogue. In order to lead other people, you need to understand their perspective. How can you influence someone if they don’t feel like you’re willing to listen to what they have to say? The ability to construct a compelling TED Talk is not leadership.
We avoid critical moments to re-orient ourselves to new information shared by others. Not for lack of compassion or empathy, but for lack of practice and self-awareness. We’re so eager to share our perspective and to seek validation for our ideas, that we overlook how closed off we are to other perspectives.
The ability to listen and absorb openly, without defensiveness, will serve you greater than “winning” a particular exchange. The people you’re leading need to feel like you’re open to having your mind changed, to allowing new perspectives to change your worldview. It is through showing a deep understanding of the other person and their perspective that you can be most persuasive.
One of my recent leadership obsessions, Patrick Lencioni’s The Five Dysfunctions of a Team, says the first big challenge in any successful team is the challenge of establishing trust. Listening fosters empathy, empathy builds trust, trust builds relationships. Strong relationships are the basis for effective leadership. You don’t build relationships by talking past someone. The more you listen with sincerity and the intent to understand, the more you yourself are listened to and understood.
If you’re in a position of influence, your job is to build up your relationships and set a positive example for others. Be seen as someone that is open to exchanging ideas and having your perspective challenged. Ask more questions than you answer. Let the other person do most of the talking. Ask pointed follow-up questions. Give the other person the last word. Thank them for their perspective and their openness. Restate what you heard the person say to demonstrate understanding.
Show others that you’re not just waiting to talk.
-Patrick