The Crown is my favorite show on television. Netflix’s prestige drama has created a moving drama inspired by the lives Queen Elizabeth and her family, and like all great dramas, it has the best characters – fully realized in their strengths and shadows. The Crown shows how even great leaders and people can have the most human flaws. My favorite scene from the most recent season takes place during a scenic picnic between Elizabeth and her daughter, Anne, where Anne is confronted with the news that one of her security escorts has been reassigned due to their romantic involvement.
We can feel that Elizabeth is taking the wrong approach in this conversation, but it can be difficult to put your finger on exactly what she’s doing wrong. Instead of connecting with her daughter in her moment of vulnerability, Elizabeth seeks to “fix” and offers “look on the bright side” platitudes. I’ve written frequently about listening and why it’s the most underrated leadership skill, and this scene underscores why it should be in every leader’s toolbox.
Elizabeth is trying to “win” the discussion by getting Anne to see things her way. If Anne would simply “be patient” her worries would eventually pass. But we all know what it feels like when someone tries to force their perspective on you. Frustrating. Patronizing. In a moment when someone is overcome with a desire to feel seen and understood, the last thing they want is empty comforts.
As a leader, sometimes your role isn’t to be the “fixer” or to have an “answer” – sometimes your job is to silently sit there with someone who’s made the brave decision to be open with you. Instead of seeking to respond or give an answer, maybe you should simply ensure that you understand their feelings and perspective. It doesn’t matter if you agree or disagree, whether they’re right or wrong, what matters most, in that moment, is that they feel heard and understood.
How would this scene have gone if Elizabeth had instead said “tell me more about how you’re feeling?” or “this seems really difficult, Anne, what can I do to help?” or even simply “Anne, I know it’s hard for you to share these things, thank you for trusting me with this.” Any statement that provides awareness and appreciation for the other person’s openness and vulnerability contributes to a feeling of closeness and connection, which is what’s needed in a crucial conversation where the other person is on your team.
In this interaction, Elizabeth falls short as a leader, in a way that’s completely understandable and relatable. She misses a critical window to simply sit and listen as Anne shares the pain she’s been carrying. As leaders, we must never let our own self-orientation get in the way of our responsibility to be fully present with our team when they’re in crisis. The next time you’re in a crucial conversation with someone you care about, whether it’s personally or professionally, ask yourself what you can do to be a better listener and acknowledge the other persons feelings and frustrations. Even if that means not saying anything at all.
Good luck out there.
Patrick